Um...Incident Report, 3-30-2006

So Deals and I went on a bike ride tonight around the lake. It was fun. Except for when I ran in to the wall...but even that was funny.

It started with Deals having to lower the seat for me on the bike I was borrowing from her sister. Yes, her sister is shorter than me, and I still needed the seat lowered. Y'all, my feet could not touch the ground when I was on the seat. It needed to be lowered. My feet are my secondary bicycle braking system, and they're my primary bicycle braking system when I panic...which is often.

So we're going along fine except for those few times when I wobbled dangerously while attempting to brush hair off my face, or stand and bike at the same time, or go up a steep hill. Didn't fall though, which is what I was really afraid it would happen. After all, it's been about 10 to 15 years since I've ridden a bike. You know what they say about riding a bike? Not true. Oh, sure, you can still manage the balancing part, but not very well. It's like you can always remember how to ride, but if it's been too long between rides, every time you try it again, it's like when you just learned to ride.

Anyhow, we go over a bridge. It's neat. Picturesque. I can see up ahead that there's a turn. One can go left, right, or straight on in to the lake. Or rather, one would go in to the lake, except that there's a wall there. It's sort of a wall/gate mixture. I can't tell which way Deals is going to turn because Deals doesn't signal, not that I can blame her for that. At one point during the ride, I lifted my left arm off the handle bars to signal a turn and did that previously-mentioned dangerous wobbling and decided I wasn't going to risk signaling anymore. The people behind me could just take a wild guess. Which is what I was doing with Deals. 'Will she go left? Will she go right? Ah, she's going right. It's kind of a steep right. Hmm. If I turn at the speed I'm going, I will definitely fall over. Maybe I can slow down enough to come to a complete stop while missing the turn, then turn, and--nope, nope, I'm going to run in to the wall. Yep, I ran in to the wall.'

I am happy to say that the bike took most of the impact of the crash. I had a couple of scrapes on my leg, and that's it. Of course, the chain came off the bike. Deals informs me that, at this point, we are at the farthest point of the ride. Great. So she calls the Boy Toy to come pick us up while I grab a stick and try to get the chain to go back on. Yes, a stick. I don't know anything about bikes--not even how to shift the gears--and my hands were getting all kinds of greasy from the little bit I did handle the chain. The Boy Toy was at the pet food store, but he said he'd come get us. I was bummed because I really wanted to finish the ride. Then Deals merely touches the chain and it goes back on. So I felt kind of silly, yet happy at the same time, because we were able to finish the ride.

At one point the wind was blowing so hard that I. thought. I. was. not. going. to. be. able. to. make. it. I thought of that line from The Lady Eve, "They would've had to bury me at sea." Only "at lake," instead of at sea.

We finally get almost to the end when I see a rather alarming sign that reads:
HIDDEN AND STEEP CURVE AHEAD. REDUCE SPEED.

Um. Y'all know I have a problem with steep curves. I was a tad bit nervous. However, if you were looking for another incident here, you're going to be disappointed because there wasn't one. Well, except for when the Boy Toy was waiting for us at the end, and his dog wrapped its leash around Deals' legs, and she fell over. And then there wasn't much room in his vehicle after we put the bikes in it, so Deals and I had to share the front seat. With our bike helmets on, in case our heads knocked together.

Incident Report, 3-28-2006

Incident report: a compilation of recent events

1. Banged hand on car door frame

2. Fell in to car when car door swung in unexpectedly as I tried to exit the vehicle

3. Stubbed toe on portable heater

4. Knocked brush attachment off of vacuum

5. Accidentally unplugged vacuum while still using said vacuum

6. Forgot to turn off vacuum before plugging it back in

At least at this point, I’d rather deal with my regular incidents than face the ones our intern has been dealing with. In the past two weeks, she has fractured her ankle, fractured her sternum, and had a window fall on her nose. Don’t ask.

My. Hair. Is. Attacking. Me.

That's a Mistake I Should Have Learned to Avoid By Now

With lunch today I drank a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, and a cup of water. This means, basically, that I will get no work done this afternoon because I will spend all of my time in the bathroom.

The Magic Eraser

Do y'all remember last August when I posted about my dadgum bathtub, and how it always looks like a thousand different dirty feet have stood in it? I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, and I never could get it to look clean. This was a bit disconcerting, as it was that way when I moved in to my apartment, so I don't know whose feet made those stains.

Well, this weekend, I tried using the Magic Eraser on it, and you know what? It worked! I'm not saying the tub's now a perfect white, but it is much, much better. Thanks, Mr. Clean!

For Amstaff Mom

Half-eaten food: breakfast at Denny's with Dad. On the plate you will see: sausage (ate the bacon), remnants of Belgian waffle, remnants of pancakes, and remnants of hash browns (actually on plate to the side). Also a few remaining bites of egg (to the left of the sausage).

A Conversation Overheard This Weekend

Deals. and I were staying at a hotel in Austin because we were due to speak at a conference the next day (and that's another story). Her aunt and uncle dropped us off. Before I go any further with this story, I should tell you that D. has Snoopy as the wallpaper on her cell phone. In a minute, you'll see why I'm telling you this.

To continue, we went out to dinner with a friend of her Aunt A. and Uncle B. I was wearing jeans and a polo-type shirt. Not dressed up. I thought we were going to meet FODAU (Friend of Dealey's Aunt & Uncle) at the restaurant, but, no, we're picking her up, and I end up sitting next to her, which means that the shy person (me) is going to have to make polite conversation with a stranger. I find myself praying that it's going to be a short drive. About half a block from the restaurant, Aunt A. or Uncle B.--I forget which--asks D. if she's ever been to this restaurant before. She says that she hasn't, and FODAU says, "It's a private club."

My immediate reaction is the very uncouth, "Crap! I'm not dressed for a private club!" This was said in my head, by the way, and not aloud. In the words of Television Without Pity, Un!Comfortable!

Later, Aunt A. and Uncle B. drop us off at our hotel. We check in to our room and begin the getting-ready-for-bed process when D. realizes she's left her cell phone with her family. She finally manages to call Aunt A. on her cell phone and tells hers that if she needs to reach us, she can call my cell phone. Since Aunt A. isn't able, at the moment, to write down my cell phone number, Deals tell her that she can use her (Deals') phone, as my cell phone number is programmed in to said phone.

"Just press four-six-Send," she says. And that's when the fun starts.

"Four-six-send...send...it's the little green button....the green button...okay, let's start over. Close the phone and open it again...Do you see Snoopy? Okay, now press four-six-send...send...Go back to Snoopy...Go back to Snoopy...It's four-six-send...Oh, I know. Here, go back to Snoopy...Now, press four and hold down the six...just hold down the six....Go back to Snoopy...Now, press four and hold down the six...No, no, don't turn around! Don't come back! Just press four-six...Okay." She breaks off and turns to me. "[RR], what's your cell phone number?"