Incident Report -- Trip to New York, 4/19 - 4/24/06

1. Spilled rotel on Hils' kitchen countertop and in her pantry

2. Kicked the back of my mom's feet

3. Kicked the back of my mom's co-worker's feet

4. Kicked the back of JLR's feet

5. Kicked the back of Hils' feet

6. Ran in to and ricocheted off of JLR on several occasions.

7. Fainted.

Incident report, 4/17/06 - 4/18/06

1. Foot bitten by unknown insect. Foot swollen for two days.
2. Swarming of something in my bedroom.
3. Got stuck in elevator at work. GOT STUCK IN ELEVATOR AT WORK.
4. More swarming of some type of insect in my bedroom.

I would like to add that, contrary to what Deals (who wasn't there) would have you believe, I did not keep saying "I have to pee" over and over again whilst stuck in the elevator. I simply voiced a concern that, due to the amount of beverage I had consumed that morning, I would probably need to use the facilities if we were stuck in the elevator for long enough.

Get Down

My sister's laptop is missing the down arrow key. My sister's laptop--which I used to prefer using to my old hand-me-down desktop computer--now has a major typing defect. There I am, typing a web address in to the browser, and below the address line thing (whatever it's called), pops up the address of the website I would like to visit. "Yea!" I think. "I don't have to type the whole address--oh, no, wait. Yes I do."


Sure, I could use the shortcut, if I could just press the down key. There's the shortcut, taunting me, mocking me. Inaccessible.

Bother.

Unfortunately, JLR doesn't seem overly concerned about it.

Incident report, 4-14-06

1. Kicked cart at grocery store.
2. Kicked cart again at grocery store.
3. Kicked table at optometrist's office. [Stupid...big...feet.]
4. Banged knee on table at optometrist's office.
5. Banged elbow on something. I don't remember what.

Sigh.

Um...Incident Report, 3-30-2006

So Deals and I went on a bike ride tonight around the lake. It was fun. Except for when I ran in to the wall...but even that was funny.

It started with Deals having to lower the seat for me on the bike I was borrowing from her sister. Yes, her sister is shorter than me, and I still needed the seat lowered. Y'all, my feet could not touch the ground when I was on the seat. It needed to be lowered. My feet are my secondary bicycle braking system, and they're my primary bicycle braking system when I panic...which is often.

So we're going along fine except for those few times when I wobbled dangerously while attempting to brush hair off my face, or stand and bike at the same time, or go up a steep hill. Didn't fall though, which is what I was really afraid it would happen. After all, it's been about 10 to 15 years since I've ridden a bike. You know what they say about riding a bike? Not true. Oh, sure, you can still manage the balancing part, but not very well. It's like you can always remember how to ride, but if it's been too long between rides, every time you try it again, it's like when you just learned to ride.

Anyhow, we go over a bridge. It's neat. Picturesque. I can see up ahead that there's a turn. One can go left, right, or straight on in to the lake. Or rather, one would go in to the lake, except that there's a wall there. It's sort of a wall/gate mixture. I can't tell which way Deals is going to turn because Deals doesn't signal, not that I can blame her for that. At one point during the ride, I lifted my left arm off the handle bars to signal a turn and did that previously-mentioned dangerous wobbling and decided I wasn't going to risk signaling anymore. The people behind me could just take a wild guess. Which is what I was doing with Deals. 'Will she go left? Will she go right? Ah, she's going right. It's kind of a steep right. Hmm. If I turn at the speed I'm going, I will definitely fall over. Maybe I can slow down enough to come to a complete stop while missing the turn, then turn, and--nope, nope, I'm going to run in to the wall. Yep, I ran in to the wall.'

I am happy to say that the bike took most of the impact of the crash. I had a couple of scrapes on my leg, and that's it. Of course, the chain came off the bike. Deals informs me that, at this point, we are at the farthest point of the ride. Great. So she calls the Boy Toy to come pick us up while I grab a stick and try to get the chain to go back on. Yes, a stick. I don't know anything about bikes--not even how to shift the gears--and my hands were getting all kinds of greasy from the little bit I did handle the chain. The Boy Toy was at the pet food store, but he said he'd come get us. I was bummed because I really wanted to finish the ride. Then Deals merely touches the chain and it goes back on. So I felt kind of silly, yet happy at the same time, because we were able to finish the ride.

At one point the wind was blowing so hard that I. thought. I. was. not. going. to. be. able. to. make. it. I thought of that line from The Lady Eve, "They would've had to bury me at sea." Only "at lake," instead of at sea.

We finally get almost to the end when I see a rather alarming sign that reads:
HIDDEN AND STEEP CURVE AHEAD. REDUCE SPEED.

Um. Y'all know I have a problem with steep curves. I was a tad bit nervous. However, if you were looking for another incident here, you're going to be disappointed because there wasn't one. Well, except for when the Boy Toy was waiting for us at the end, and his dog wrapped its leash around Deals' legs, and she fell over. And then there wasn't much room in his vehicle after we put the bikes in it, so Deals and I had to share the front seat. With our bike helmets on, in case our heads knocked together.

Incident Report, 3-28-2006

Incident report: a compilation of recent events

1. Banged hand on car door frame

2. Fell in to car when car door swung in unexpectedly as I tried to exit the vehicle

3. Stubbed toe on portable heater

4. Knocked brush attachment off of vacuum

5. Accidentally unplugged vacuum while still using said vacuum

6. Forgot to turn off vacuum before plugging it back in

At least at this point, I’d rather deal with my regular incidents than face the ones our intern has been dealing with. In the past two weeks, she has fractured her ankle, fractured her sternum, and had a window fall on her nose. Don’t ask.

My. Hair. Is. Attacking. Me.

That's a Mistake I Should Have Learned to Avoid By Now

With lunch today I drank a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, and a cup of water. This means, basically, that I will get no work done this afternoon because I will spend all of my time in the bathroom.

The Magic Eraser

Do y'all remember last August when I posted about my dadgum bathtub, and how it always looks like a thousand different dirty feet have stood in it? I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, and I never could get it to look clean. This was a bit disconcerting, as it was that way when I moved in to my apartment, so I don't know whose feet made those stains.

Well, this weekend, I tried using the Magic Eraser on it, and you know what? It worked! I'm not saying the tub's now a perfect white, but it is much, much better. Thanks, Mr. Clean!

For Amstaff Mom

Half-eaten food: breakfast at Denny's with Dad. On the plate you will see: sausage (ate the bacon), remnants of Belgian waffle, remnants of pancakes, and remnants of hash browns (actually on plate to the side). Also a few remaining bites of egg (to the left of the sausage).

A Conversation Overheard This Weekend

Deals. and I were staying at a hotel in Austin because we were due to speak at a conference the next day (and that's another story). Her aunt and uncle dropped us off. Before I go any further with this story, I should tell you that D. has Snoopy as the wallpaper on her cell phone. In a minute, you'll see why I'm telling you this.

To continue, we went out to dinner with a friend of her Aunt A. and Uncle B. I was wearing jeans and a polo-type shirt. Not dressed up. I thought we were going to meet FODAU (Friend of Dealey's Aunt & Uncle) at the restaurant, but, no, we're picking her up, and I end up sitting next to her, which means that the shy person (me) is going to have to make polite conversation with a stranger. I find myself praying that it's going to be a short drive. About half a block from the restaurant, Aunt A. or Uncle B.--I forget which--asks D. if she's ever been to this restaurant before. She says that she hasn't, and FODAU says, "It's a private club."

My immediate reaction is the very uncouth, "Crap! I'm not dressed for a private club!" This was said in my head, by the way, and not aloud. In the words of Television Without Pity, Un!Comfortable!

Later, Aunt A. and Uncle B. drop us off at our hotel. We check in to our room and begin the getting-ready-for-bed process when D. realizes she's left her cell phone with her family. She finally manages to call Aunt A. on her cell phone and tells hers that if she needs to reach us, she can call my cell phone. Since Aunt A. isn't able, at the moment, to write down my cell phone number, Deals tell her that she can use her (Deals') phone, as my cell phone number is programmed in to said phone.

"Just press four-six-Send," she says. And that's when the fun starts.

"Four-six-send...send...it's the little green button....the green button...okay, let's start over. Close the phone and open it again...Do you see Snoopy? Okay, now press four-six-send...send...Go back to Snoopy...Go back to Snoopy...It's four-six-send...Oh, I know. Here, go back to Snoopy...Now, press four and hold down the six...just hold down the six....Go back to Snoopy...Now, press four and hold down the six...No, no, don't turn around! Don't come back! Just press four-six...Okay." She breaks off and turns to me. "[RR], what's your cell phone number?"

U.S. Olympic Giant Washer Count, 2/20/06

Gold Giant Washers: 7
Silver Giant Washers: 5
Bronze Giant Washers: 3

Total: 15

Absolute Power Quote of the Week, 2/19/06

"Martin, you made this bed. Prepare to eat it."

Dadgummit

JLR got that dadgum Hollaback Girl song stuck in my head the other day. We both realize that the song is not one to be recorded in the annals of Great Songwriting, and neither of us actually like the song, but it nonetheless gets stuck in our heads from time to time...usually because one of us inflicts it upon the other.

The reason for this post is to point out (to those of you who haven't already seen it) Greg Stacy's hi-larious explanation of the lyrics for "Hollaback Girl." Thanks to Mr. Stacy, instead of cringing, I now smile whenever I hear the song.

I'm Awake, I'm Awake, I'm Awake, I'm Awa--snzzzzz......

Deals is out today, making me feel a bit like the Little Red Hen.

("Who’s going to help me make the coffee? Who’s going to help me drink the coffee?")

Sigh.

Lunch today, and Wheeeee!!

Had a Murderous Mocha at lunch (the coffee shop/restaurant's name for it, not mine), mmmmmm, plus onions in my black eyed peas, so bad breath, too much caffeine, got the shakes, but oh, my, I'm productive. (AM, think "my, this soup's delicious," 'cause that's how I'm thinking it in my head).

And yes, the above side note to AM is a "shout out" to Have Suitcase...Will Travel. Come to think of it, why am I using the term "shout out"? Hmm, perhaps fodder for another post.

Back to work! You're not getting paid to believe in the power of your dreams!


(And that, my friends, is a shout out to Despair, Inc.)

A Question to Ponder

Why are the vowel-sounds in "flood" and "food" pronounced differently?

Perhaps a word historian can answer that for me. Is it because they have different etymologies?

The Not Good Day

I don't know how it is at your job, but not too long after I started at mine, a "reign of terror" began, and it wasn't uncommon to come to work only to find that yet another co-worker had been booted out the door for no good reason. It was the same at my sister's job, worse actually. Her boss believed that it was good policy to fire people randomly (and often), just to make sure nobody slacked off or tried to cross him. Anyhow, things have been much better at my job over the past few years--no one has been fired since at least, oh, 2003--but I still unconsciously brace myself for a trip to the unemployment office whenever the boss seems unhappy or wants to see me in his office. Imagine how I felt at lunch one day last week, then, when my supervisor came in to the breakroom and announced (in front of three of my co-workers and a volunteer) in an unhappy-sounding tone that he wanted me to be in his office at 4:00. "Four o'clock?" I thought, alarm bells ringing. You see, that's the end of the day. And the end of the day is when they fire people. Actually, the end of the day on Friday is when they usually fire people. "Oh, well, at least it's not Friday," I said to myself and then immediately began to panic as I realized, "Holy *%@#, it's Friday!!!!" [Pardon my bad language. I'm not usually prone to swearing, but, I'm sorry to say, when I panic, sometimes the bad words just come out. Anyway, I was sure I was going to get fired.]

I hurried back to my office in order to clean all of the personal messages about of my e-mail account. There's nothing obscene in my e-mail, mind you, it's just that I don't want my co-workers reading about my diet failures or my occasional "digestive difficulties," which I am prone to discussing with my close friends via e-mail. I opened up my "saved messages" folder and glanced in horror at the number of messages I had saved there--more than 4,000! "That can't be right," I thought to myself, but yes, it was. I hastily began forwarding them to my personal e-mail account, but didn't have time to forward more than about 1500 before my meeting rolled around. My left shoulder muscle got all kinked up from repetitive motion.

As it turned out, my supervisor just wanted to make sure that I knew that I have absolutely no decision-making authority whatsoever. Apparently, I had made a decision about something without consulting him first, and that just will not do. So I learned something that day. It wasn't a good day, but it was an educational one.

The Toilet of Perpetual Flush is No Longer

That is to say, it still exists as a toilet, and a functioning one at that, but it is no longer The Toilet of Perpetual Flush, as it once was. I have to admit, I find this to be disappointing. I went in to the bathroom today with the goal of timing TTPF so that you all could realize just how long the flushing process of this toilet was, only to discover that the toilet now has a regular flush cycle.

The Double Flush

Howdy to the four people who read my blog! I’ve finally returned! Wow, it's been so long, I almost forgot my login and password. Aaaanywho...

Today, I’m going to talk about the Double Flush. It involves telling you about the bathroom, and I don’t want to be crude, so bear with me while I find a delicate way to tell this short and not-so-very-interesting story.

At work the other day, when D. flushed the toilet in the staff bathroom, it caused a minor incident to occur. Let me take a moment to state that this was not caused by anything that D. had done while in the bathroom. We’d been having water issues at work, and the plumbing had become rather sketchy while they worked out the kinks; problems included water coming from the taps in spurts instead of streams and toilet water taking on a grayish color. Anyhow, D. used the facilities, and when she flushed, the effect was like a mini-volcanic eruption. Now, nothing that she had flushed could have caused this, so it must have come from a predecessor. Or something. Anyhow, an unpleasant odor accompanied this eruption. D., a bit shaken from almost having an accidental shower, rushed down to my end of the building to get me because when you’re going to ask someone to help you investigate a toilet problem, it’s a good idea to get the person who has very little sense of smell. Anyhow, I flushed the toilet again, and nothing bad happened, so I guess the second flushing fixed the problem. All that to tell you that I have now instituted a double flush policy. When I use the staff bathroom, I flush twice. Only now that I think about it, I realize that I should be flushing once before I go to the bathroom and once after, not twice after. Hmm. I’ll have to amend the double flush policy and procedures manual.

Frandol Lyrics

For those of you who speak French, have you heard Frandol's album Oulipop? I think he has another album out now, but I don't have it, so I'm just going to tell you how great Oulipop is. Here are some lyrics from the song "L'un contre l'autre":

tu m'as, je t'ai, tu m'as plu, te t'ai plu,
tu m'as, je t'ai, c'est bon des bras
tu m'as, je t'ai on savait dès le début
qu'on s'enlacerait toi et moi....

tu m'as jeté, tu n'm'as plus, je n't'ai plus,
tu m'as jeté, bon débarras,
tu m'as jeté, on savait dès le début
qu'on s'en lasserait toi et moi

Clever, non? Don't you wish you could write like that? I certainly do.