I work in an archive. There are two types of patrons I don’t like to call. The first, I hate to admit, are the elderly. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like helping them. I just don’t like talking to them. Some, like my late grandmother, like to talk even more than I do, and you spend 20 minutes with them on the phone. I don’t really mind that, though, except on days when I have a lot of work to do. Some, like my grandfather, won’t talk to you any longer than is absolutely necessary to convey information, but they don’t bother to wear their hearing aids, so you have to shout into the phone and repeat every other sentence.

However, I’d take a whole day’s worth of elderly patrons to avoid one call to a “theorist.” I would say “conspiracy theorist,” but they aren’t all researching conspiracies. Some just have a particular theory that they aren’t willing to shake, even when it is perfectly clear to any sane person that their “theory” is actually “hooey.” I could stand that, though, if they didn’t then try to manipulate facts to fit their hooey. It’s not possible that you’re related to Famous Native American Person X. Your ancestors came over from Europe after Famous Native American Person X was born and never came within 50 miles of him or any of his descendants, unless one year they all happened to be at the state fair at the same time. I can do some more research for you BUT IT STILL WON’T PROVE THAT YOU’RE RELATED TO THE MAN. NOTHING WILL PROVE THAT YOU’RE RELATED TO THAT MAN. Because you aren’t.

Conversation I had this morning:

Me: Well, I’ll look into it, and if I find anything, I’ll let you know.
Patron: I just want to know the names of his wives.
Me: Right. I’ll check it out and will see what I can find.
Patron: I have the names of some of his wives. I just need the names of his other wives.
Me: Okay. I’ll see what I can find out.
Patron: I’ve traced his first wife, xxxx to 1891, and his wife, yyyy, to 1899.
Me: Right. Okay, well, let me see what I can find—
Patron: I’ve traced….

This went on for 10 minutes. I am not kidding. All attempts to get off the phone and get on with my work (and her research, I might add) were thwarted. She was a nice patron, and I wouldn’t otherwise mind talking to her, but I didn’t understand why we needed to repeat ourselves for 10 minutes.

A few years ago, a crazy woman called me who, I hope, will never call me again.

Apparently, according to her, John F. Kennedy is not the son of Rose and Joseph Kennedy (who, apparently, are from Montreal, and not from Massachusetts at all), but is rather the son of a Russian czar. His (JFK's) first wife was Maria, Queen of Yugoslavia. He was raised in Europe. He went to law school in The Hague. Rose and Joseph Kennedy are related to "negro gypsies" from New York. Also Ted Kennedy is Jack Ruby's brother. Also she claims that Fidel Castro is related to some folks in Buffalo who are related not only to Lee Harvey Oswald but also to Jackie Kennedy.

She said she was working for John & Robert Kennedy when JFK was assassinated, and she's related to John Kennedy, and she was shot in the head in Dallas, and I think it has affected her. She says that she was raised by John Kennedy in Yugoslavia and in the Netherlands around 1938.

She wanted to know if I had any proof, and if not, why not. I tried to fob her off on the Sixth Floor Museum, but it didn’t work. Apparently, they had no proof, either.